On Getting It Right

“If you didn't musterbate, then you wouldn’t awefulize, terribilize, or catastrophize, say, ‘I can’t stand it,’ and put yourself down.  If you only stuck with, ‘I’d like very much to do well, but I never have to,’ you wouldn't then disturb yourself … musterbation is evil and pernicious.  

-Albert Ellis

Have you every asked yourself some variation of the question, what's the right thing to do here?  If you are a human living on earth and speak English, i'm going to guess that you have.  We have been taught to guide our lives based on should's.  This basically means we are trying to do the best/right/smartest thing in the situation that is before us.  In my experience, making decisions based on 'getting it right', can get us into a world of hurt.

First of all, most people haven't spent much time asking themselves, 'get it right according to who?'  Honestly, who is the one that you are trying to get it right for.  Yourself?  If it was yourself, you'd think you would know already wouldn't you? So who then.  Is it your parents?  Friends? Co-workers? Spouse?... Is it God?  Does God have a carefully written rule book that if not followed to a tee, you are going to burn for all eternity?  Boy, talk about putting on the pressure.. and the heat.  I'm not here to challenge your beliefs, but that's doesn't fit my experience of an all loving and forgiving force in the universe.  Plus, even if there was a real divine rule book, which one is it?  How are we supposed to know?  Is it the Bible, The Qur'an, The Tao De Ching, The Upanishads, The Torah, A Course In Miracles?  If so, which version of these holy texts is the right one? Who is right?  And how many billions of people on the planet are wrong?

Let me be clear, I consider myself a pretty spiritual guy, and I do have a spiritual practice which brings me a tremendous amount of peace.  I'm all for it.  Choose whichever ones you like.  I'm just saying, life gets really complicated really quickly when you start trying to base your decisions on something external like a book or based on what another person thinks you should do.  You are the expert on you, not me, or anybody else.

I want to invite you to kick the tires on this idea with me.  Let's pretend that God(Higher Power, Spirit, Universe, Big Mind, etc.) Really doesn't care what we 'Do' and loves us no matter what.  I know it's radical, but go with me for a minute.  What if there was no such thing as getting it right?  And in turn there was no such thing as getting it wrong either.  What if all you had to go on, was that some result will come from this decision?  Let's also assume that you don't know what the future holds.  Often times that's what people are trying to do when they are shoulding themselves, they are attempting to know the future in advance, and unless you are a very gifted psychic, the best I can say is, good luck with that.

So, if we can't get it right, we can't get it wrong, and we don't know the future outcome what criteria do we use?  Well the most useful thing I've come across is, 'what would you like to do?'  What appeals to you?  What does your inner wisdom tell you?

Even though I don't believe we can really get it right, one of my favorite questions to ask myself in the moment is 'does this feel right, for me, for now?'

What if it was as simple as asking yourself, what do I want to do?  Now let me make a distinction before we go any further.  Let's distinguish between want, and feel like.  If I based every decision in my life on the criteria of what will feel good, my life would be a train wreck.  We don't always feel like doing the things that we really want to do.  Because our feelings change with our mood, and they are constantly shifting.

For example, I usually want to exercise, but I don't always feel like it.  I usually want to connect more with my family, but I don't always feel like it.  I usually want to call more people to talk to them about coaching, but I don't always feel like it.

Here's another really important element in making decisions.  Often times they seem so daunting because we think they are final.  There are very few decisions in life where we can't actually go back and say, 'you know what, I changed my mind.'  When you know that, it sure takes the pressure off.  Because if you know it's not absolutely 100% final, you're going to be much more peaceful as you make that decision.  And good internal states, always make for better decision making. Another way to say this is that what you decide is almost never as important as how you handle the consequences of that decision.  So if you take a job and realize it's not right for you, you can look for another one, or you can sit around and mope for the next 20 years.  If you ask someone out on a date and realize they are not the person for you, you can either continue dating them and resenting them, or you can end it and chalk it up as a learning experience.

Here's the last useful piece to the decision making puzzle.  Make sure you are paying attention to where you are making the decision from; and I'm not asking if you are making the decision from your home, or from work.  I'm speaking about our internal state.

A Course In Miracles says there are really only two different places we can come from, Love or Fear.  Always, always, but only always, check in with yourself and ask, 'am I making this decision out of fear, or from a place of love, well-being, and peace?'  If it's from love rest assured that it will be as good a decision as you can make in that moment.  If it's from fear, wait until you return to love.  One of the most useful things I've learned throughout my life and in working with other people is that when we make decisions in a panicked, rushed, or urgent state, they are almost always poor decisions.

So remember, always check in with love.  Some people call this intuition, insight, or inner wisdom.  The Quakers call it the still, small voice within.  Be sure to check in with that deeper place inside yourself. You might just find that it presents itself remarkably like common sense.

If you really do need an answer in a quick pinch, ask yourself, what would love do? (or read my past article titled 'What Would Love Say')

Until next week,

Love and Light,
Coach Ty