Are You Your Story?

"That millions share the same forms of mental pathology does not make those people sane"

- Erich Fromm

We all have this story we've developed about ourselves.  The Story of our lives.  We begin to develop this story very early on, and then we begin to tell this story.  We start with telling this story to the world, and then we begin telling this story to ourselves.  We begin to live out this story as if it were true, and the more we live it, and the more we tell it, the more we identify with it, make it important, and believe it to be true.  This story is long, elaborate, and detailed.  What is this story exactly, you ask?  Well, this is The Story of You (a wonderful book by Steve Chandler as well).

Do you know when you meet someone for the first time, and you ask them, 'hey, what's your story?'  They usually will tell you about who they think themselves to be.  They will tell you about their character and their persona.  They will tell you that they do these types of things, and not those types of things.  They hang out with these types of people, and not those types of people.  The only thing is none of it exists outside your thinking.  It's all made up.  It's a story, made up... by you, told ...by you, and believed ...by you.  The problem comes when we forget that it's just a story, and we mistake it to be real and true. It seems to be one of the only things that actually gets in the way of us having a wonderful EXPERIENCE of life.

(This metaphor is adapted from Michael Neill's book SuperCoach)
Imagine you are watching a movie, which just happens to be our modern day version of story telling.  It's a scary movie and you're really getting into it.  You get lost in it, and you find yourself walking down the dark stairs into the basement right behind the young woman holding a flashlight on the dark stormy evening.  The flashlights' batteries die and the only light source flickers out.  A creature suddenly and unexpectedly jumps out of the shadows suddenly and you just about jump out of your own skin.  And then of course you remember that it is just a movie, and that if they zoomed out a few feet you'd see the boom mic, the directors chair, and the wardrobe department.  When you know absolutely that it's not real, the fear vanishes, but when you get caught up in the story and begin buying into the story, that's how the fear creeps in.

This is very similar to how we live our lives except for one very important realization, that our story, and our thinking isn't real, it's just thought.  No more real than the projected images appearing on the movie screen.

We all get caught up from time to time telling others about how the situations and circumstances of our life are either wonderful or terrible.  We tell others about our limitations, reasons and excuses.  These are all part of the story telling.  In fact, we tell and tell and tell, until the wonderful people around us believe us.  They believe we really aren't smart enough, we aren't strong enough, we aren't pretty enough, and we aren't loving enough.  They believe us and we believe us and then we are stuck mistaking our story for reality.

When you begin to recognize your story for what it is, just a story.  It's just some idea that you created about yourself in an attempt to fit in, stay safe, or get sympathy.  Then you can begin to see through it to the truth and begin living from the truth.

The Truth is Circumstances are just circumstances, neither good or bad until you think about it.  As Byron Katie says, it just is.  The truth is that you are beautiful, powerful, creative, talented, peaceful, happy, loving, and wise.

Often times we wear the mask of our story because we think it is hiding something hideous.  Other times we wear it because it's just a habit.  When you begin playing with taking the mask off from time to time, it may be unfamiliar at first, but when you look a little closer you might just  remember that this is who you really are.  You are your essence, and you are your spirit. These will shine more brightly than you could possibly imagine... when you put your story to rest.  Just like in the movie theater when you realize you're sitting in a chair with your friends not in the room with the computer generated monster who's also not real.

The reality is we will all have a story as long as we have these bodies, however you can notice it, acknowledge it, and begin to step outside it.  Remember, you're not actually stuck, you're just stuck in your story!

I will leave you with one of my favorite questions in the world and it comes from Byron Katie,
 "Who would you be without your story?"

I know the answer... but you'll have to experience it for yourself!

Love and Light,
Tyler

Is It Really Just My Thinking? Part I

"Life does not consist mainly, or even largely of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through ones head."

-Mark Twain

Today I really want to discuss one of the foundational principles that really is at the heart of Transformational Coaching, and it has to do with the nature of thought itself.

So often as human beings, we just stumble our way through life, not really questioning or looking closely at how the heck our experience is being generated.  In other words, when I feel good what is that about?  Or when I feel afraid, where is the fear coming from?  

Imagine a scene with me for a moment.  You just had something you consider wonderful happen, you were proposed to, you won the lottery, or got that job you always wanted.  Where did the joy come from?  Did magical rays of sunshine burst forth from a particular circumstance, enter your body, and create a chemical reaction in your brain that caused you to feel joy or peace?  

Okay, now lets consider consider the flip side of the coin, fear, sadness, anger and all the not so pleasant experiences.  So, when you're feeling afraid, did that fear jump off of whatever it is that you are afraid of(the spider, the boss, the elevator,etc.) like an invisible bacterial infection, enter your body, and infect you with a tightness in the chest, an increased heart rate, and excessive perspiration?  Or does it work in some other way?

I know, I know, those descriptions sound ridiculous, do they not?  Unfortunately, even though it sounds silly, most people live their lives as if the above scenarios were true.  We hear others go on endlessly about how the outside world caused them to have a certain internal experience;  it was a stressful circumstance, it was a scary situation, it was a joyous occasion... well... I'm here to tell you, that isn't how it works folks.  

If a situation had an innate feeling, emotion, or experience attached to it, then we would all have the exact same experience of the world around us, would we not?  Here's an example:  Have you ever gone to a movie with one of your friends, and you thought it was terrible, contrived, and uninteresting. Meanwhile, your friend thought it was hilarious, moving, and one of the best movies of the year. Now, most of us can relate to that type of situation, and the reason we are able to have a different experience of the same external happenings, is all because of our thinking.

So, there is what happens in the world around us, and then there is what we think about what happens.  We are primarily having a direct experience of our thoughts, not the world.  

So as a coach, I'm interested in what's useful, so I'm going to tell you how this can have a profound influence on your life. 

If your experience is being generated moment by moment, through the way that you think about the world, then suddenly your thoughts become very important, don't they?  In fact, the vast majority of our decisions, actions, and beliefs, are based entirely on our experience, not on the "facts".

Knowing this helps you make one of the most important shifts you can make in your life, and that is one from playing a victim, to being an owner and a creator of your life experience.

When you act as if circumstances drive your internal experience, then you are at the mercy of circumstance, and when you aren't having the type of experience you want, you will undoubtedly look to change the world outside you, in order to change how you feel.  And you may have noticed, changing the circumstances to be exactly how we want them to be, is really hard.

On the other hand, when we see it for what it really is, just our thinking, then we are back in the drivers seat.  If we can become aware that when we are sad we are simply thinking a sad thought, when we are angry we are thinking angry thoughts, and when we are afraid, we are thinking scary thoughts, it becomes much easier to simply notice it, and let it go.  

Thought Experiment:  When you get caught up in an unpleasant experience this week (stress, anger, fear, sadness, etc.) see if you can notice what  thoughts are behind the emotions.  I invite you to be surprised and delighted at how your experience changes, simply by noticing what's going on behind the scenes.  Don't try to change it, just notice it!

The implications of this are huge throughout your life and relationships, so be sure to catch part II coming soon where I will talk more about the nature of thought and how positive thinking, and controlling your thoughts are not the answer.  However, in the meantime, lets start with just a noticing.

Stay tuned for my next entry in a few days with "Is It Really Just My Thinking?: Part II"

Love and Light,

Tyler