Self Esteem From The Inside Out

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Also, Watch my New Free Video series on everything from Wonderful Relationships to Eliminating Stress.

Finally, if you want to see me live, I will be speaking at the Albuquerque, Body Mind Spirit Celebration on April 27th, and I will have a booth there all weekend, so come say hi!

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"The Truth Shall Set You Free"

--unknown

Growing up, I always thought I had terrible self-esteem. It seemed like the older I got, the worse it got.  I was terribly shy, and insecure. I was afraid all the time. Afraid to talk to new people, make friends, express myself, and even afraid of talking on the phone.  I attributed this all to low self-esteem and I thought that improving my self-esteem was the answer.  After all, the world was telling me that was the answer, so I spent most of my childhood, and young adulthood attempting to improve and fix my "self".  

At first I decided, well maybe if nobody sees my faults that will help.  So I tried my best to hide from the world  The more I hid, the more insecure I got and this cycle continued for many years. Even the people closest to me didn't know me... because I was hiding even from myself.

When I realized hiding wasn't the answer to my self-esteem problem, I thought I would try to accomplish and succeed my way out of it; of course all the while hiding what I thought were my faults and insecurities.  So I set my mind to excelling at school and sports, and I did a pretty good job. I thought that this had to work... and while I did look pretty appealing to the world, I was as insecure as ever.  

Next I tried fitness.  I thought, well people with really attractive bodies look happy and have lots of friends right? Maybe I should try that.  So I learned all there was to learn about body sculpting and I focused really hard on that for a few years.  My body sure started to look good, and I started to get more attention from the opposite sex; but after years of going to the gym at 4:30am and 100's of protein shakes, I realized I still felt fundamentally broken inside.

Then I discovered the self-help and self-improvement world.  You have no idea how excited I was, because I thought for sure these people would know how to fix me; they are experts after all.  I dove into it with a passion unlike I had ever experienced before. I read 100's of books, took courses, got certified in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and coaching.  I studied past lives, psychic phenomena, meditation, and mind programming.  I devoured everything I could get my hands on.

I was convinced I had found the answer to my problem.  Except, every time I would come up for air from studying and searching, I noticed those old feelings of depression and insecurity, and wishing I was different were all right under the surface.

I then began to hear whispers of this thing called innate mental health. There was this whole group of people that I somehow had never heard of in all my years of self-help, that were speaking about how there was nothing wrong with me.  People like Sydney Banks, George Pransky, Michael Neill, Bill Petit, Roger Mills... all telling me I was never broken, I just thought I was. They said, I have innate mental well-being, I just can't see it for all my thinking.  They spoke about how we only ever experience our thinking, not the world.  And they said my thoughts were subjective, arbitrary, and illusory.  They said my insecure thoughts would always pass and give way to my wellbeing... if I let it.

I had spent so many years convinced that I was broken, that I never bothered to actually check and see. It never occurred to me to question which "self" I was trying to get more esteem for? I was so damn busy trying to fix myself and improve myself, that I never thought even once that maybe I was just fine. And not only was I just fine, but was a spiritual being untouched by the dramas of my life, simply clouded over with thought.

It was then that I think I surrendered.  I let go of trying so hard to improve myself and raise my self-esteem. When I let go, a funny thing happened. I began to actually get glimpses of the wellbeing that these teachers and coaches were telling me about.

And then, a sense of peace and well-being came over me unlike anything that I have ever experienced. I knew instantly that I was home. I knew that this was my true nature.  I saw for myself that, that which I had been searching for was actually my true nature.

I also saw that the me I was trying to improve all those years was nothing more than a shadow of a thought.  Yes my personality was neurotic, and insecure, and troubled, but it was completely made up of thoughts that I had accumulated over the years; and my thoughts were no more real than a dream.

That background of peace and well-being has stuck with me every day since.  Of course I still experience the ups and downs that come with being a thinking creature, but I just don't take them so seriously any more because I know who i really am. I still feel insecure sometimes, but I know it'll always pass without me doing anything about it.  I know that when I think I need more self-esteem, I'm simply caught up in my thinking in the moment. All there is to do is simply see the truth that behind all the thought is a beautiful divinity of which we are all a part of. A spiritual essence if you will that Sydney Banks called Mind.

It's that Namaste Place. My favorite definition of the word Namaste is that: I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the place in you of love, of truth, of peace, and of light; and when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.

When we get a glimpse of the nature of how thought works, and your most essential nature... all notions of self-esteem, and fixing one self, just blow right out the window.  They don't make any more sense than it would make sense to try to fix a shadow that looks like a monster.  When you see the shadow is simply a trick of the light, you will smile, be on your way, and go about enjoying your life.

Wishing you great love and joy,
Coach Ty

P.S.   50% off 3 months of  Transformative Coaching. Sign up between March 1st - March 15th.

Don't wait to transform your life! Contact me for more information.

Also, Watch my New Free Video series on everything from Wonderful Relationships to Eliminating Stress.

Finally, if you want to see me live, I will be speaking at the Albuquerque, Body Mind Spirit Celebration on April 27th, and I will have a booth there all weekend, so come say hi!

3 Keys To Having A Wonderful Relationship

Remember to check out my new Audio Recording Transformation From The Inside Out for FREE by recommending me on Facebook or Twitter. Click Here to learn more.

Watch my  New Free Video series on everything from Transformative Coaching to Eliminating Stress.

Finally, if you want to see me live, I will be speaking at the Albuquerque, Body Mind Spirit Celebration on April 27th, and I will have a booth there all weekend, so come say hi!
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Given the spirit of Valentines Day, I thought I would share the best of what I know about having and developing wonderful relationships.

There are a three keys I've found that make all the difference between a consistently wonderful relationship and one that feels like a roller coaster of pain, sorrow, and frustration. You'll find that the difference between these keys and what you will find in most relationship books is that none of what I'm about to tell you is a behavioral prescription. My experience is that prescriptions don't work; understanding how the human experience unfolds is the real trump card... so let's get started.

The first and most important key is to understand where our experience of life comes from, or perhaps more importantly where it doesn't come from.  Our emotional experience is created in our minds.  We have thoughts and then we bring them to life with our consciousness, very much like a movie projector bringing a film strip to life on the big screen.  When we have a thought, we then have an emotion or feeling. This is known as the thought feeling system.

To simplify it right down, when we have a scary thought we feel scared, a sad thought we feel sad, a joyful thought we feel joyful, a loving thought we experience love.  Contrary to popular belief, these emotions are not and can not come from the world outside of our heads.  Our circumstances(i.e. home, job, money, possessions, family, friends) are not the source of our emotional upset nor our love and joy.

When we stop blaming our miserable experiences on the people closest to us, and realize that it is only ever our thinking in the moment that can cause that, then we take the pressure off of the other person to fulfill something in us that they can't possibly achieve.  And the reason they can't achieve it, isn't because they aren't wonderful people, it's because that's not how the system works. 

More simply put, another person's words and actions cannot cause us to feel emotions... only our own personal thinking can do that.  There's what happens, and then there's what we think about what happens.

This simple yet profound understanding allows us to look in a more useful direction.  When it looks like our partners are the source of our pain, then of course it makes sense to try and change them in an attempt to change how we feel.  Or we might numb out by some other coping mechanism like alcohol, or gambling, or shopping, or eating, or sleeping around.

But your emotional state is never to do with them, even though sometimes it really looks like it.  All you have to do is get suspicious enough to think that maybe, just maybe it's not them but your thinking.

 Imagine how wonderful your relationship would be, if you never blamed your partner for your unpleasant emotions because you understood that it had nothing to do with them.  Even if you did blame them, once you saw the truth you would apologize so much more quickly! You wouldn't even take your arguments very seriously, because you know that your perspective is completely subjective and made up by your thoughts.  If you simply wait, a new set of thoughts will be along in a moment.

I've always found it a curious thing that couples wait until they are the most upset to have important conversations.  And then they try and talk it out, not realizing that they are keeping the problem alive through thinking about it.  Now sometimes there are actions worth taking in relationships... but you will always be better served to take those actions from a clear and peaceful state of mind, not from anger and upset.

Now, the second key to having a wonderful relationship is very much related to the first, and that is to understand the source of your happiness and well-being.  You were born happy... it is your very nature.  There is nothing you need to do, be, have, or change in order to be happy.  A quick look into the eyes of a young child, and you will notice that when their physical needs are met, they are pretty darned content; blissed out if you will.  These children have not yet learned to become overly invested in their personal thinking.  That innate well-being is who you really are... minus your miserable thinking.

Your essence of joy, love, and connection is just as alive in you as the day you were born. Most of us have simply gotten really good at covering it up with our thinking.  Consider that we've all got this big beach ball that is our well-being, and we spend our whole lives trying to push it under water with our thoughts(we invest in them, believe them, and ruminate on them)... but the second we relax, and stop taking our thoughts so seriously, that well-being will float right back up to the surface.

Understanding the source of your well-being will transform your relationships.  You will no longer look to others to make you happy.  It's a game changer when you know that the only thing that can ever temporarily cover up your mental well-being is your thinking.  You don't need another person to experience love, and connection.  You are love... and at a deeper spiritual level, you are already connected to everyone.

You stop feeling so needy about love, because you realize that what you think you need, you already have inside you.  It then becomes okay for the two of you to spend time apart because that wonderful feeling you get when you are together, that's who you really are anyway.

You will begin to understand that loneliness isn't a function of people being physically present or not, it's a function of your thinking; am I thinking lonely thoughts or not. If you look very closely you will see that people experience great loneliness in the midst of family and friends, and conversely people experience great love and connection when nobody is around.  It all comes back to understanding that nature of thought, and that the essence of who you are underneath all that personal thinking is love and well-being.

The third and final key to living a wonderful relationship simply builds on the first two... and that is what you think the purpose of being in relationship is.  In other words, what are you trying to get out of your relationship? What are you there for?

You see, people try to get all sorts of things out of relationships, that you simply can't get out of them... like happiness, love, security, and confidence.  Not realizing that all of those things are of the mind and they can only ever be created from the inside-out.

Personally, my favorite reason for being in most relationships is because I enjoy their company.  Now this isn't the right answer, it's just my favorite.  It's so simple when my main reason for being here is I really enjoy their company.  This takes all pressure off of them to try and live up to some standard, or try to give me love, or make me happy.  In my experience, if I truly understand the first two keys, and I simply focus on enjoying my partners company... that relationship get's really wonderful really quick.

Will there still be ups and downs?... you betcha there will!  But when I understand that the reason for that is because my ups and downs come and go as my thinking flows in and out of my mind, then it doesn't have to be a problem.  I know it's not my partners fault.  It's just a temporary mood that will pass as easily as the clouds will give way to a breeze on a summers afternoon.  And when I let that low mood pass, I will return to my natural state of love and connection; and that's the perfect time to re-engage with that person that I love so much.


I wish you every joy and a most wonderful Valentines Day!

Love and Light,
Coach Ty



P.S. Remember to check out my new Audio Recording Transformation From The Inside Out for FREE by recommending me on Facebook or Twitter. Click Here to learn more.

Watch my  New Free Video series on everything from Transformative Coaching to Eliminating Stress.

Finally if you want to see me live, I will be speaking at the Albuquerque, Body Mind Spirit Celebration on April 27th, and I will have a booth there all weekend, so come say hi!