Unconditional Acceptance

"I know everybody loves me, I just don't expect them to know that."

-Byron Katie

This weeks tip is in response to one of my best friends asking me to share with him my thoughts on 'acceptance'.  He's compiling a book of people's past experiences of feeling accepted or not, its significance in their lives, and what they've learned about it over the years. If you are inspired to do so, write about your own experience, contact me, and I'll put you in contact with him to so he can consider your entry for his book.

Early on in my life as a child I really struggled with this whole notion of acceptance.  I really wanted everybody to like me, and so I would often times pretend to be somebody I wasn't in order to get that.  Over time I learned, that it actually kept me somewhat safe, however it also fueled my sense of being alone and disconnected from the world.  As I made my way through college and began studying different modalities for personal transformation, my perception began to shift.  I now realize the importance of being unconditionally accepted within a community, as well as being able to authentically express ourselves in the world.

As a coach and really just a human being, here's the best of what I've learned so far about being and feeling Accepted.

Let's first take a look at what it is to be accepted.  My trusty dictionary defines 'accepted' as:

Generally approved; usually regarded as normal, right, etc.

This definition fits what people generally think of as being accepted.  They just want approval, or to be considered normal; however, my experience tells me there is much more to it than that.  Let's dive a little deeper, shall we?

When we have the desire to be accepted, we don't usually stop to think about what we want to be accepted for.  Do you want acceptance for the way that you dress, for your body shape and size, for what you own, what you say, what you do, how much money you have, or for just being a human being?  And how many people do you need to be accepted by before you can be okay? Is it 1, 2, 5, 10, 100, or 1,000.  Or are you stuck in the trap of thinking you need everybody you come into contact with to accept you?  If so, do you know anybody who has ever actually pulled that off?  If you stopped to think about it, would you really want everybody on the planet to like you and want to spend time with you?

Another thing worth considering on this subject is, do you accept yourself?  Do you have your own approval?  If not, what do you think you have to change about yourself before you can accept yourself?

One of my favorite theories for why we have this hardwired desire for approval and acceptance from others, dates back to when we lived in tribes.  The harsh reality of living in a tribe was you had a pretty high degree of dependence on the other members of the tribe to pull their weight, and work together so that you could all survive.  If you ended up being rejected by the tribe, you would be cast out, and left to fend for yourself, which in most cases meant certain death.  So if being accepted by the people around you feels like life or death, it's because historically it was.  The only problem is, that's not really true anymore.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of being accepted; just not at the expense of my own authentic expression.  Having a community of people that love you and accept you for who you really are is a beautiful thing.  But, if you have to put on a front or a fake persona to be liked, then you may want to question the people who's acceptance you are seeking?  Are they really your friends if you have to do that?

Here's the problem with pretending to be somebody you are not, in order to be accepted by others.  You aren't actually being accepted!  A fake version of you is accepted, but not the real you.  So, you don't actually get what you want, and you have to fake it.  Here's the other problem.  So long as you are putting on a false persona, you never even give people to opportunity to accept you for who you really are, so you end up ensuring that it never happens.  Because even if people accept you, you're always left wondering, 'if they knew the truth, would they still love and accept me?'

Sure you could be turned down, or told to go away, but there are 6 billion people on this planet; I think you could find somebody who appreciates you for your authentic self, could you not?  Wouldn't you rather be you, and loved and accepted. That way, you don't have to walk around feeling like a fraud, and you can rest easy knowing that people get to meet the real you. This is how you get to experience real, genuine love and acceptance.  That means, true acceptance can't actually occur unless you are showing up as your authentic self.

Let's take a quick look at the other side of the equation now, which is your acceptance of others.  The beautiful thing about acceptance, is you don't have to wait until you run into human beings that fit your criteria before you can accept them. We all have the capacity to accept anybody for exactly who they are in the moment.  Even if they are behaving in a way that you don't like, you can still accept them as doing the best they know how to do, given what they've been through and their current perceptions of the world.  Accepting somebody for who they are isn't saying, It's okay what you are doing; it's saying I love and accept you as a fellow human being doing the best you know how to do.  Accepting yourself and others is a choice we have available to us in every single moment.

So for today, just as an experiment, what if you gave the people around you the gift of unconditional acceptance and love?  What a rare and beautiful gift that truly is.

This is a process that I'm still learning and practicing every day.  Some days, I still want to hide and pretend I'm somebody I'm not.  Some days I'm incredibly judgmental and don't want to accept anybody; but more and more I understand that neither of those options is ultimately serving me.  So my invitation to you is to begin practicing today, knowing that it's a life long experiment.  Rest assured that you can't get it wrong and you can only get better.  

Act and speak from your essential self today, knowing that you are giving people the opportunity to accept the real you, and giving yourself the opportunity for real love.

Weekly Coaching Experiment:

1. Think of somebody you care about who you haven't been completely yourself around.
2. Know that they can't truly love and accept you unless you stop pretending
3. Keep in mind if they don't like the real you, there are 6 Billion more people to go connect with and it is most likely not actually a life or death situation.
4. Speak or take action from your authentic self around this person when you are next in contact with them.
5. Notice how often, people love and respect you for being who you really are around them.
6. Let the ones who don't, fall away. They're not your real friends.
7. Finally, take one minute to give yourself love and acceptance for being your authentic self! Wahoo!

Love and Light,

Tyler