Forgiveness and The Three Principles

"I Forgive my brothers and sisters for what they have not done." 

-A Course In Miracles

Forgiveness is a word that we all use in our society and we all agree it is a good thing... but most people really struggle with actually forgiving.  We hold onto resentments for years and sometimes even a whole lifetime.  I find these struggles are primarily because people don't fully understand what true forgiveness is, and how it comes about.  So, my request to you is to set aside what you think you already know about forgiveness, and lets take a fresh look at it together.

To watch my video lecture on True Forgiveness click here

One of the reasons we don't really understand forgiveness is because we usually only take a look at it when we are in the midst of some heavy duty resentful thoughts and feelings.  When we are having this particular kind of thought storm we don't see things very clearly.  We don't have access to wisdom, creativity, or forgiveness for that matter.  It's like looking through a heat haze, nothing is clear.

Here is the Western Worlds' version of forgiveness:  It starts with something happening in the outside world... the world outside of our heads that is.  More specifically when someone says or does something that we don't like.  We then get upset AT that person or those people. That's what we call resentment by the way... specifically targeted upset feelings. We then, without even realizing it, justify our upset feelings.  In other words we think our upset feelings are appropriate to the actions taken by the other person. It is specifically because of this justification that we hold onto our resentment, often for years at a time.  From this place of justified resentment, then, and only then, do we attempt to practice forgiveness... either because we think we should, or because we are just tired of feeling so lousy when it comes to the other person.  This usually doesn't go well, so we end up living in limbo between trying to make what they did okay, and secretly resenting them for what they did.

lets take a real life example... something pretty heavy duty like an infidelity within a monogamous relationship.  The way it usually goes is our partner has an affair, we find out about it one way or another and then we get very upset.  Some part of us wants things to be okay again so we often try to forgive them, but we don't really know how.  The first path that many of us take is we try to mitigate the upset feelings by physically leaving, but never really forgiving.  We don't realize that our upset has nothing to do with physical proximity so we continue to suffer, especially when we have to interact with that person, or simply when they cross our minds.  Often it manifests in future relationships as insecurity and general distrust of other peoples behaviors.

The second of the two paths is that we choose to stay in the physical relationship, and struggle to forgive them. Often for years, we live in resentment, and they live in guilt.  We want to trust them again, but our experience of betrayal was just too painful, and so we often make it all the way to the end of our lives without having ever fully forgiven that person.

Now, that may not be the exact version of forgiveness you have, but I'm guessing it is close.  The bad news is, that is most peoples experience of forgiveness.  The good news is, that it is not true forgiveness, and there is a much better option available to you.  All you have to do is see through some very common assumptions about the whole process.

The first assumption is a big one, and may be hard to see at first... so stick with me.  We think that other peoples actions have a causal relationship to our emotional experience.  In otherwords, we believe that another person can actually be guilty of causing us misery and emotional pain.  This is the very reason we feel justified in our resentments... because we think they are based in reality.  We think that every action somebody takes or word that somebody says has the potential to damage us emotionally. This is fundamentally inaccurate, and it's not how human beings work.

What does this mean?  It means that no person, place, or thing can cause another person to feel upset, resentful, sad, angry or any other feeling.  Our emotions do have a causal force and it's thought and only thought!  Every thought we have has a corresponding feeling. This truth about the human experience is a huge component of my work and you can learn more by checking out my videos on The Three Principles.

The fact that we don't experience what other people do or say directly, actually has an incredible impact on our understanding of forgiveness.  It means that resentment and upset feelings are unjustifiable. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with upset feelings, and we will all experience them from time to time. I simply mean that whatever you are feeling, whether it be resentment, or betrayal, or anger or anything else, those feelings can never be a result of somebody elses' actions or words.  They can only ever come from our own thought.

The good news about us only feeling our thinking is that we are cabable of opening up to new thought, beautiful thought, loving thought, and forgiving thought in any moment... regardless of how egregious we think the other persons behavior may have been.  We can't force it, and we aren't in charge of what thoughts come into our head, but because our minds will always tend toward love and peace if left alone... that is not a problem in the least bit. We simply have to look in the direction of new thought.

The second and final assumption that we are going to question is the very notion that something can be done "to us" that needs to be forgiven in the first place.  This could include literally anything from physical abuse, to emotional devastation.  This question is really the question of who we are(To explore this in more detail check out my article on Are We A Body Or A Mind)?  

The truth is, our physical bodies can be horrible maimed, tortured, and even killed. But we are not our bodies! This means that even if somebody does something very unpleasant to our body, our essential spiritual nature isn't even scratched in the process.  This doesn't mean you don't protect and take care of your body the best you can.  It simply means that the essence of our identity is never in danger even if our body is. 

As far as emotional pain is concerned, we already know from the first assumption discussed that nobody can make us feel emotional pain because that can only ever come from our own thinking, even if it looks like it's coming from outside us.  However, it's really helpful to know that, although we experience those strong feelings... it doesn't mean that we ARE those thoughts and feelings.  A very common cultural myth is that, we think if we have certain feelings over and over again throughout our lives, that those are a big part of who we are. We say.."oh, I'm a resentful person" or "I'm a depressed person." But the truth is, not only are we not our bodies, but we are not our painful thoughts and feelings either.  Sure, we experience them, but they have absolutely zero lasting impact on the true nature of our MIND and SPIRIT.

Regardless of what we've been through either physically or emotionally, the Peace of Mind, and Love that is our true nature can never be harmed or altered in any way. It is the very essence of who we are.

This simple yet profound understanding has huge implications on the whole idea of forgiveness.  It means that we are all spiritual beings, and even though we can experience physical and emotional pain, we are all of us, extensions of the Mind of God, which can't be altered by anything that takes place within this physical world.

The question then is, if we are truly spiritual beings, and nothing can ever harm that spirit... then is there ever anything that requires traditional forgiveness? Is there anything worth resenting people for as  an unconscious form of punishment and protection?  My experience is no, which leaves us with this...

True Forgiveness is nothing more than seeing the truth of who we all are.  The truth that your apparent attacker is innocent of all spiritual wrong doing, as are you equally protected from any spiritual attack...  Our true nature is unharmable even if we can experience great physical and emotional pain.  

All there is to do, is get back in touch with our essential spiritual nature. The more we see and experience this, the more naturally we will forgive.  We won't hold grudges.  We won't tend to hold onto resentment.  We won't feel the need to protect ourselves emotionally because we know that's not who we are.  We will trust in our wisdom to protect our physical bodies as best we can... and if something does happen to those bodies, we know that it has only happened to the body, and not our Mind or Spirit.  And if we become aware of ourselves holding onto painful feelings because of something somebody else did, we will very quickly see that it is a self induced suffering that will simply pass if we stop holding onto it.

We only ever need to look toward the truth.  The truth that what the Mind of God has extended to all of us is everlasting peace, love and oneness. We simply have forgotten this truth, and it's the only reason we ever suffer.  True forgiveness flows naturally by simply understandiing that we are all truly innocent... even when there is the illusion of attack and guilt. 

Until next time, I wish you all the love in the world,

Tyler