Thriving In Relationships

"The moment we see that every feeling is just the shadow of a thought, we stop being scared of our feelings and just feel them."

-Michael Neill

Relationships are, without question, a huge part of every persons life.  We are in constant relationship with other people at home, work, the gym, the grocery store...  any walk of life you can think of.  So, when I talk about relationships I mean any relationship you can think of, not just romantic ones.

At first glance, relationships might seem complicated, but they really are quite simple; and here's why they are simple... They don't exist in the way we think they do. Linguistically, the word 'relationship' is known as a nominalization, which is a verb or a process, that we talk about as if it was a noun, or a thing.

Please enjoy my latest video blog on Thriving in Relationships from back in November.  It is particularly relevant again as we are all thinking about our relationships here in the States on Valentines Day.  

We talk about relationships as if they are OBJECTS or ENTITIES that exists beyond the two people in relationship.  Honestly though... do you really believe there is some invisible thing that exists out there called a relationship? No... of course not.

The truth is, it's just a convenient expression that we use to lump together all of our thoughts and feelings about another person. We are constantly RELATING to the world and other people... but there is no separate entity called a relationship.

However, if we think, and talk, and behave as if relationships exist outside of our thinking, then we are going to think, and talk, and act in the strange ways that we do around relationships.  We say things like "I'm depressed because of my relationship,"  "My relationship is stressing me out," or even "My relationship makes me so happy!".  We even go to therapy to try to 'fix'  and 'work on' our relationships!

The reason trying to work on relationships doesn't usually pan out, is because there isn't actually anything there to work on. Attempting to improve something that doesn't exist is at it's best confusing, and at it's worst downright disastrous! This is why relationships appear so complicated... because we aren't even clear on what they are!

Let me simplify it for you.  A relationship is made of thought.  That's it.  If you are having issues with your "Relationship" and you aren't looking for a thought solution... than you are looking in the wrong direction.

There very simply is no THING called a relationship .  There is You with all of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and they are in no way linked up to the other persons thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  Understanding this is hugely relevant to thriving while relating to other human beings.  You will no longer attribute any of your good or bad feelings(love, joy, connection, misery, heartache, fear, anger, sadness, depression, stress, etc.) to "The Relationship, orThe Other Person."

The answer sounds too simple but here it is: The number one factor for determining your well-being in relationships is UNDERSTANDING where your feelings/emotions come from.

When you blame any part of your experience of life (Thoughts, Feelings, or behaviors) on the other person, you will not thrive in relationship.

If you want to have largely wonderful relationships, the only thing you have to realize is they are in no way the source of your feelings.  Your emotional experience has nothing to do with your partner, kids, boss, family, friends, or any other person on the planet.  Your emotions come from thought.

Our minds work only one way, Thoughts  ----Create---->  Feelings

Our minds have a thought-feeling mechanism, and we don't know it because the mind works to project our feelings on everything and everyone we can see, touch, smell, taste, or hear.  Your entire experience of life is being created and then projected from the inside out.

What difference could this simple understanding possibly make on relationships you ask? All the difference in the world!

Consider every argument you have ever had with another person. What is the one thing that is always present in every argument or fight? Either one or both of you had "Unpleasant Feelings"(insecurity, sadness, frustration, fear, anger, stress, upset) and then inaccurately attributed the source of those feelings to the other person. We want to make the feelings stop... so of course we go to what we think the source is... the other person or "The Relationship"!  We try to change their behavior, their way of thinking, or even their emotions so that we can feel better.  We would be wrong though, because feelings/emotions don't come from any aspect of another person.  They come from our thinking and our thinking alone.

(Thought ------Creates-----> Feeling) 
It only works this one way.

It does not work in the following way...

Other People's Thoughts, Feelings, or Behaviors ---Create--->   Our Thoughts ---Create---> Our Feelings

Let's look at it from the perspective of attributing our pleasant feelings to other people.  Consider the emotions we describe as grief, heart ache, loss,  and abandonment.  These are all a result of attributing our pleasant experiences of love, peace, joy, and contentment to other people.  That other person then inevitably physically leaves(i.e. death, divorce, break-up) in some way shape or form; taking those feelings with them.  The interesting thing is, if we didn't inaccurately attribute our beautiful feelings to other people, we wouldn't experience the misery of a physical loss or separation.

The source of our feelings of"connection" and "love" when in the presence of other human beings is not because of some magic fairy dust that exists between certain people and not others.  It's because we are spiritually linked to every other human being on the planet, regardless of whether they are physically present or not.  Spiritually there is no separation, we simply have the experience of being separate when we obscure that connection with thought.  When you are up in your head thinking about stuff... pleasant or unpleasant... you are not in touch with your god given connection to others.  And the reason it looks like it's there more with some people is because you have a lot more thinking about certain people, which clouds the connection.

In other words, we have the experience of being disconnected because we experience what we think... but just because you experience your arbitrary thinking, doesn't actually make it true.

No person, circumstance or thing can ever take away your spiritual essence. You are Love and you are connected... it's not a commodity you get from other people, it's the essence of who you are. 

Why is this a transformative idea? Because it's not just an idea, it's the truth.  You are making a paradigm shift; a quantum leap.  You are going from living a large portion of your life based on a lie, to living your life based on the Truth!

The greatest and most pervasive lie on the planet is that your emotional experience of life comes from something other than thought: other people, relationships, jobs, bank balances, houses, pets, traffic, weather, politics, disease, the News... you name it.  The truth is... we are all walking around feeling only our thinking...and we just don't know it.

If you could truly see that there are no emotional germs being spread from one person to another;  If you could truly see that your well-being has nothing to do with other people in your life; and, if you could truly see that your essence is love and connection, then you would be free of all of the conditions you yourself have placed on your happiness, love, and peace of mind. You would be free to love the world and all of it's people with all of your heart.

So, my not very profound advice to you would be... look to the truth of the human experience, and it shall set you free! 

With all the love in the world,

Coach Ty