Forgiveness from the Inside-Out

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"Holding a resentment(unforgiveness) is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person will die."

-12 Step Movement

As I continue to challenge myself to look deeper into my true nature, and that of my fellow human beings, I keep running into this idea of forgiveness.  It's everywhere.  It comes up in discussions of love, inner peace, outer peace, well-being, conflict resolution, spirituality, religion, trauma-relief, victimization and the list goes on. This gives you a an idea of the relevance and importance of forgiveness.

Before I dive into what forgiveness is, why it's useful, and how to practice it... I first want to make a request.  My request is that you open up your mind to a  new way of thinking about forgiveness.  Often when we hear words that are commonly used like 'forgiveness,' or 'respect,' or 'love,' we assume everyone who uses that word means the exact same thing as we do. The reality is, that there is about as many different meanings for forgiveness as there are people on the planet. Therefore, I'm asking you not to assume we mean the same thing. Especially since the predominate view of forgiveness in western culture is much different than the one I'm about to share.

A simple, commonly understood definition of forgiveness is: giving up the feeling of resentment. Now, I can agree with that, however it's worth looking a little closer at that statement. To most people this means somebody did or said something hurtful to them, which causes them to feel resentment. They are then, of course, justified in their resentment becaue "that person really hurt me". But now in the name of repairing the relationship, they decide to "forgive". This is usually done by trying to ignore what happened, or make what was done to them okay.

It is from this place that people try to give up the feeling of resentment.  We are essentially letting the perpetrator off of the hook. This version of forgiveness is almost always seen as doing the other person a favor. We also use resentment as a weapon in an attempt to make the other person suffer as we have, very much like paying pennance. Sound familiar?

Now the problem with forgiving somebody who has "wronged" us, is that we try to let go of the resentment without addressing the source of resentment. In an outside-in world, we think the cause of the resentment is the actions of the other person, and sometimes just the other person. After all, they did this terrible thing to me... right? It's their fault I feel scared, or sad, or hurt, or angry.

Instead of addressing the true source of resentment, most people, and understandably so, attempt to control other people's behaviors because they think that's where there unpleasant feelings are coming from.

We say things like "If I could just get this person to behave, or act in the ways I deem okay, then I could forgive them.  This is extremely difficult, firstly because you may have noticed controlling other people is very difficult; and secondly, it doesn't actually help you to let go of resentment... although many of us have gotten really good at barrying it for a while.

Those of you who are familiar with the Inside-Out nature of my work, know that that's not how the world actually works.  Our emotional experience of life comes from our perceptions, which is a fancy word for thoughts.  This is why people struggle so much to forgive; they try to drop the feeling without addressing the source of that feeling.

In the context of forgiveness, this means that to actually forgive we must give up the source of resentment, which is the perception of "wrong doing." In other words, true forgiveness is actually a shift in perception. As long as you continue to perceive someone as having done something hurtful or mean-spirited, it is actually impossible to fully forgive them. It requires seeing them in a whole new light. No longer an attacker, but a fellow traveler on the road of life.

I realize this will be a huge paradigm shift for most of you, because in essence I'm asking you to consider that the only way to forgive is to give up the idea that somebody has emotionally hurt you.  I'd even take it one step further and ask that you give up the idea that somebody even has the capacity to emotionally hurt you.

If your hurt feelings are coming from your own thoughts about the other person, then they can't actually inflict emotional pain on you.  Always look to the source, and in this case the source is our own thoughts of being attacked, or wronged.

Yes, these are big requests, so don't worry about getting them all right away. In fact, expect to experience plenty of resistance to giving up resentments. Most people would rather point the finger outside themselves than admit that such horrible feelings and judgements are actually coming from them.  We don't want the responsibility.  We are addicted to being victims. We are addicted to feeling righteous resentment.

If you want to really learn to forgive, you're going to have to let go and look within. You won't find the answers you are looking for "out there."  This is a journey of self-discovery, which takes this conversation from one of psychology to spirituality.

Those of you who know me and are familiar with my work, will also know that I am a student of the spiritual text A Course In Miracles.  One of the central themes of the course is to teach the very kind of forgiveness I have just described, but the Course takes it even further than I have.

A Course In Miracles not only asks us to give up being a victim and seeing the other person as an attacker, but to consider that our most fundamental nature is love.  We are pure spiritual beings that can't actually be tarnished in any way, shape or form.  We have simply fallen asleep to who we really are. There is a line in the course that says, "You are at home in God, dreaming of exile."

Now just pretend for a moment that this is true. We aren't who we think we are. We aren't these bodies with ego personalities, like we've been brought up to believe. Each and every one of us are beautiful, unconditionally loving, spiritual beings, that can't be harmed by worldly dramas. Just like in a dream, even a really scary one, you eventually will wake and see it was just your mind playing tricks on you. I invite you to consider that this fear based dream of ourselves is much less solid than the whisps of a cloud, or the mists from the sea.

When you have truly forgiven someone in this way, you will still be aware of the behavior of the other person, but you will simultaneously recognize the truth of who they are, and the truth of who you are. The Course suggests that forgiveness is literally seeing that there was no attack or betrayal of any kind, because the human spirit can't actually be attacked.

The idea that you were or ever could be attacked is referred to as false perception. It is through this realization that you begin to see your spiritual brothers and sisters for who they really are. When you succeed in doing this, the resentment and the feelings of attack vanish, along with your false perception of them. As your perception shifts, so will your emotional experience. It wont be easy because of how strongly we believe that we can be attacked, so stick with it. Know that it's called the practice of forgiveness for a reason.

The course also asks us to consider that any form of perceived attack is nothing more than a call for love.  This person has forgotten who they really are, and are in pain. Therefore the only appropriate response to somebody who is hurting inside, is to see them for who they really are, and offer love. This is a very specific shift in perception that is extremely valuable for helping us learn to forgive.

Please understand, in the outside world of form, this does not mean that if somebody is physically attacking you, that you should stay there and take it, because, "they know not what they do."  Forgiveness is something that takes place completely at the level of the mind, and unless you are a master, it is going to be much easier for you to practice when you are in a place of physical safety.

Keep in mind however, that according to the Course, even your physical attacker is in pain and by lashing out is actually asking for love. They are every bit the spiritual being that you are, and they likely need your help to see it.  As I always tell my clients, you can simply love them from a distance if need be.  Attack always leads to more attack. Love and forgiveness are the only things that can break this cycle.

The next question of course is why should we forgive?  Well, it's much easier to answer this question within this new idea of forgiveness than it was with the old one. It turns out it's a no brainer

The first reason is, Forgiveness is a gift. It's not only a tremendous gift to give somebody else, because you are holding them in the highest possible light, and therefore reminding them of their divinity; but it is also a gift to yourself. 

The world is like a big mirror, so the more we see the divinity in others, the more we see it in ourselves.  As you practice the Courses' version of forgiveness you will be affirming that you are not a victim but a being of light and love that is actually untouched by the troubles of the world. Your fragile ego is always getting hurt, and attacked, and broken, but that's not who you really are.

Psychologists, readily acknowledge forgiveness as a tool for clearing out years of bitterness and anger that have been poisoning our minds and bodies.  In fact there is a growing body of evidence suggesting that those who learn to forgive have fewer health problems and lower incidence of the most serious illnesses. 

People who have forgiveness training are also reported to experience more connection, inner peace, and joy in their lives. Not to mention significant improvement in the health of their most important relationships.

To put a cherry on top and really increase the rewards, the Course says that forgiveness is actually the gateway to waking up to our spiritual Selves. Everytime we see other people's behaviors as a call for love instead of an attack, we take one step closer to remembering our own divinity. We begin to wake up from the dream of our own miserable thinking.  For many spiritual seekers, this is the highest goal possible.

Now, I don't know these to be spiritual truths... but what if they were? What can it hurt by believing in the goodness of others and practicing a new radical form of forgiveness?

Worst case, you get really good at seeing your fellow human beings through the eyes of love. You will start treating others with more compassion, love, and kindness; adding to the overall well-being of the planet.

Best case, you get to gradually wake up to the divine nature that connects us all.

Just remember, if nothing else, forgiveness is a gift to yourself and others, and holding resentment is like drinking poison.

The last piece of this equation is to ask, How do we actually forgive once we've decided it's worth it?  Well, I'll give you some of the basics here, but if you are committed to truly making your life about forgiveness, than I highly reccomend you check out A Course In Miracles published by the Foundation For Inner Peace.

The Practice of Forgiveness:

1. Think of somebody who you feel resentful toward: You might start with a small resentment if you are new at this.
2. Identify the False Perception: This is basically an opportunity to air your grievances. You've got to get really honest with yourself about the judgements you are holding on the person that you would like to forgive.  You will know that if you are resenting them, or feeling hurt by them, that you have judged them as an attacker.  It will do no good to hide behind false pretenses of love and kindness, or  argue that "I'm not the kind of person who has resentments," when, underneath it all, you are actually feeling upset. This will simply delay the process.  Look for and identify in your own mind the perception you have of this person. Ask yourself, "How am I perceiving this person that has me feeling this way?" 
3. Remember that your emotional pain can only come from your perceptions of the other person: When I know that I'm actually only resentful because of my own thoughts, then I am automatically acknowledging that the other person did nothing to make me feel this way.  I was simply projecting my thoughts and feelings of pain onto this other person. You are not a victim.
4. See the divinity in the other person: Get connected to this other persons divinity as best you can. This is a practice that gets easier with time. Sometimes it helps to imagine that the true nature of people has nothing to do with their actions. For you, it might help to repeat and dwell on words that carry the new perception, such as an affirmation. Example, "We are all beings of perfect love and light."
5. Ask for a new Perception: This is essentially the same as step 4 except it's more general. This is if identifying someone elses spiritual nature doesn't work for you. I like to ask my own innate wisdom for a new way to see situations that I perceive as hurtful.  Be patient and continue looking in the direction of a new perception. If the resentment remains than you haven't truly seen the other person in a new light. Ask yourself, "How might I see this person through the eyes of love?"
6. Enjoy the paradigm shift.  If you've done the first five steps, then all that's left is to wait for a shift in perception... If you commit to learning how to really forgive like this, it will transform your life as well as many others.

Until next time, bask in the love and the light of your being.
Coach Ty

The Skydivers' Guide To Reality

"Do the thing and you shall have the power."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A few years back, I had the terrifying and wonderful opportunity to go skydiving.  It was my brothers birthday, and I had just graduated from university, and so we needed a way to celebrate.  My brother suggested skydiving, and he even convinced our parents to do it with us.  Now, skydiving had never been on my list of things I "needed" to experience before I die. In fact, I thought the act had the potential to actually shorten my opportunity to fulfill on the rest of that list.  But, with a little nudging from my brother, and the knowledge that my parents were going to participate, I readily agreed. Needless to say, it was one of our more exhilarating family outings.

The whole preparation was pretty straight forward.  We signed a huge packet full of waivers that basically said if we die it wasn't the skydiving company's fault.  Then we sat through a 10 minute class on jumping technique and next thing we knew it, we were in our one piece jump suits strapped to our tandem partners on a tiny plane headed for 13,000ft.

I was pretty calm until we got to jumping altitude. Although, I did have a momentary thought about how ironic it was that I had probably never been safer in an airplane given that I was strapped to a parachute and another highly experienced jumper.  Never the less, I started getting some nerves as I scooted to the edge of the plane.  My brother went first, and I was directly after him.  I hooked my legs outside the door of the plane, and in that split second before leaning out, the fear hit me.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I didn't have a very strong understanding of how the mind works, but my fear was not coming from the actual jump.  My fear was being generated 100% from inside me. In my mind I was thinking about all the things that could go wrong with the jump; all ending with me becoming a pancake on the ground below. If I couldn't have thought those thoughts, I wouldn't have experienced fear.

But, regardless of the fear, I made the decision to not take my thoughts in that moment very seriously. And just like that, I plunged out of that perfectly good airplane.

In the initial seconds of the fall, I struggled to breathe. Then of course I realized I was past the point of no return, and the only thing left to do was let go and relax.  The moment I stopped struggling, my breathing came back to me, and I got to experience the thrill ride of a 60 second free fall.

Our parachute opened without a hitch and we sailed our last few thousand feet down, taking in a breathtaking view of the Oregon countryside.  It was all over in less than 10 minutes, but it felt like hours.

So, what's the point of this all?  Well,  in the years since that skydive, I've gone about doing plenty of things I've been afraid to do, and I've realized that each one is like going skydiving all over again; just without the one piece jump suit and the tremendous amount of wind.  It doesn't matter if its making a bold request of a potential client, having a difficult conversation with a friend, or jumping out of a plane; I noticed for me it's pretty much the exact same internal experience.  I think that's how I was able to get myself to jump out of that plane in the first place... it wasn't all together unfamiliar.

Here's an example; the other day I went to go make a call and I noticed I was feeling some pretty strong fear.  I realized my mind had generated some scary thoughts about how the conversation could go poorly with a string of worst case scenarios.  I decided not to take my thinking very seriously and make the call anyway.  Initially, for the first few seconds as I heard the phone ring and the person on the other end answered, I struggled to get the words out.

At that point I realized, well, I'm on the phone already, there's no going back now, so I might as well calm down and say what I want to say.  My body relaxed, my breathing calmed down, and my words began to flow more naturally.  The conversation ended up being completely fine, and it turns out my scary thoughts had been completely fictional, as they so often are.

Just like jumping out of that airplane, once I was on the phone, it was easy.  Once I decided to not buy into my insecure thinking in the moment, I was able to take the action, and then my training and skills as a coach took over from there.

Whenever we do something new and outside our comfort zone, our minds are liable to generate some scary thoughts. If we know that ahead of time we can expect to feel some fear.  When we know it's all part of the process of taking some unfamiliar action that seems big or important or potentially dangerous inside our minds, then that no longer has to be something that stops us. We can move forward with a little bit of fear, knowing that it will always pass and give way to some new thinking... if we let it.

Coaching Exercise of the Week.

Let's get practical, shall we? I'd like to invite you to take a look at your own life.  

1. Pick something that you have done in your past that you were afraid to do.  Likely this was something that you were afraid to do ahead of time, but once you were actually doing it, it wasn't so bad... perhaps even fun.  Somehow you decided that your scary thoughts weren't worth taking seriously, and you took the action in spite of them.  
2. Now, look to the future.  Choose one of the things that you are afraid to do, yet you have a sneaky suspicion would move you in the direction of creating something you want in your life.  It could be anything, a phone call, a challenging conversation with your partner, asking for a raise, or asking that cute guy/girl out on a date. Notice the fear comes up while thinking about it, which means the fear is coming from your thinking, not the action itself.
3. Next, imagine that taking that action, is just like 'skydiving', or whatever your past version of not taking your thoughts seriously and trusting in your own wisdom is. Expect to feel a little fear right before you do it as your mind will likely be generating made up scary scenarios.  Imagine noticing that fear, but not paying particularly close attention to it, because it's just thought after all!
4. Then, actually take the scary action! 
5. Finally, Relax and enjoy the ride.  If it goes well, great.  If it goes poorly, you will handle it as best you can.  It's much easier to solve those real problems, than the illusory ones we make up in our heads.

Until Next time, Love and Light...

Coach Ty