“The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie,
deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth – persistent, persuasive and
unrealistic.”
- John F. Kennedy -
If I were to tell you that in order to succeed in life you need to have high self-esteem; 99.99% of you would nod vigorously and agree with me. Many people have been conditioned to believe that self-esteem is the magic bullet and will solve all of our problems. Well, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that, in fact, I'm going to be the .01% of people to question this cultural myth.
First, let's look at what self-esteem is. From a neuro-linguistics perspective, the phrase self-esteem is known as a nominalization; meaning it's a process that we talk about as if it were a noun. We know this because you can't fill up a wheelbarrow with self-esteem. In other words it's not a thing that you can just get more of, or go buy at your local grocery store. So, right off the bat, we know that it's not quite as solid as it is typically thought to be. It's also used synonymously with other terms like self-image, self-worth, and even confidence, which are really just states of being. In the most basic sense, self-esteem is a secure and good feeling experienced about our-self.
So, is it true we need to feel better about ourselves in order to have a more wonderful life? Of course. Creating results however is a different bag entirely. When most people say they need more self-esteem or more confidence so that they can be more successful... what they usually mean is that they need more competence or a higher level of skill in order to create some result in the world. You'll often hear people complain that they don't feel good about their skill level when they are first learning something... well, why would you if you're not very good?
One of my mentors Michael Neill tells a story about how his son came to him after trying little league baseball and he said 'dad I'm not very good so I want to quit'. Michael instead of trying to pump his son up with self esteem and a false sense of confidence, told him that he was right, he wasn't very good. He then posed a much more important question which was, are you interested in getting good? His son's eyes lit up because he had never considered the possibility that being good at a sport like baseball was simply a matter of practice and skill.
In essence, the missing piece is more often than not competence than confidence. And if you want to get good at something or master a skill, you almost certainly need to practice. In Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliars, he discusses Daniel Levitin's research about how it takes on average 10,000 hours to master any skill. Mastery meaning you are among the top experts in the world at that particular thing. Now, not all practice is created equal, however if you want to get good, there will always be some element of putting in the time and energy.
As you go about practicing and developing a higher degree of skill, a natural confidence will emerge almost without you realizing it. It's not some superficial, chest puffed up, superior experience that most people seem to be looking for when they talk about confidence and self-esteem. There is a sense of ease and grace to that kind of confidence that only comes with many hours of practice. That doesn't by the way mean that you get bonus points for feeling bad about yourself and beating yourself up along the way.
So far we've looked mostly at the esteem portion of self-esteem. But, to really understand it at a deeper level, we've got to take a look at the concept of self. The "self" most people are referring to is actually their character, or conditioned self. This is the self that we've been honing and conditioning through our experience of life. One of my favorite coaches Steve Chandler calls it "The Story of You" because it's the us that has been made up throughout our lives. For instance when somebody asks us what our story is, we will often respond by referencing our past and current activities and circumstances. According to the book, A Course In Miracles this is the ego mind, which is a thought system completely born of fear and insecurity.
To understand the ego better, imagine you are stuck in a dream and everybody in the dream including you has forgotten who they really are. In this dream, each person has been conditioned to believe 100% that they are all worthless pieces of crap. And because nobody wants to present their crap to the rest of the world, everyone has fashioned masks to wear to hide the crap. Some are very elaborate and decorated with gold and jewels. Some are very bright and vibrant. Others are very simple. There are even some scary masks. The masks are built with anything that we are told will bolster our status and hide the crap more effectively such as sex, drugs, money, fame, and power. Of course if everyone knew the truth about who they really were, the masks would be completely useless.
Attempting to "work on" your self-esteem or "build" confidence is akin to creating a flashier, prettier mask to present to the world. The problem is, it's all a facade, because most people, underneath it all, still feel like worthless pieces of crap. Plus, people always seem to know when we are putting on a show anyway. The conditioned self will always desire to create more and more elaborate masks, but the problem is, it will never be enough. That's how the ego works, it seeks but never finds. It's a vicious cycle that some people engage with their whole lives. The character of you is simply not worth spending the time to build up because it will never be satisfied.
Here's the secret to it all... all we have to "do" is wake up and remember who we really are. The reason you can't technique or think yourself into having higher self-esteem is because you can't find what was never lost in the first place. Who you really are, your very essence is love, joy and peace. We've simply forgotten, that's all. We're all walking around in a dream, believing we are worthless. It's a myth. We are divine beings. Ramtha calls us the forgotten Gods for a reason. We've all got amnesia to the truth of our essence. This higher Self needs no esteem because it's very nature is already that which we are seeking.
I don't have a technique for you to take the mask off, or wipe away the crap, but what I can tell you is the more you look in the direction of your own divinity, the more you will see it. It will be like returning home after a long journey, or waking up from a terrible nightmare. As you begin to show up from your true self more and more of the time, you will find yourself automatically having a more wonderful life.
When you show up as your essence and then add in the practice and skill building, you will begin to create inner and outer success like never before.
Even if you get caught up in the dream from time to time, or you forget who you are and start polishing your mask some more, you can always rest a little easier knowing that your true Self will always shine through eventually.
I'll send you off this week with one of my favorite quotes from Dr. Robert Holden, "Who you think you are can't handle the challenge you are facing, but who you really are already has."
Until Next Week, Love and Light,
Coach Ty
P.S. if you are interested in signing up for my upcoming webinar on creating work you love, send me an email at CoachTylerThurman@gmail.com or call my office at 503-389-3778.
So, is it true we need to feel better about ourselves in order to have a more wonderful life? Of course. Creating results however is a different bag entirely. When most people say they need more self-esteem or more confidence so that they can be more successful... what they usually mean is that they need more competence or a higher level of skill in order to create some result in the world. You'll often hear people complain that they don't feel good about their skill level when they are first learning something... well, why would you if you're not very good?
One of my mentors Michael Neill tells a story about how his son came to him after trying little league baseball and he said 'dad I'm not very good so I want to quit'. Michael instead of trying to pump his son up with self esteem and a false sense of confidence, told him that he was right, he wasn't very good. He then posed a much more important question which was, are you interested in getting good? His son's eyes lit up because he had never considered the possibility that being good at a sport like baseball was simply a matter of practice and skill.
In essence, the missing piece is more often than not competence than confidence. And if you want to get good at something or master a skill, you almost certainly need to practice. In Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliars, he discusses Daniel Levitin's research about how it takes on average 10,000 hours to master any skill. Mastery meaning you are among the top experts in the world at that particular thing. Now, not all practice is created equal, however if you want to get good, there will always be some element of putting in the time and energy.
As you go about practicing and developing a higher degree of skill, a natural confidence will emerge almost without you realizing it. It's not some superficial, chest puffed up, superior experience that most people seem to be looking for when they talk about confidence and self-esteem. There is a sense of ease and grace to that kind of confidence that only comes with many hours of practice. That doesn't by the way mean that you get bonus points for feeling bad about yourself and beating yourself up along the way.
So far we've looked mostly at the esteem portion of self-esteem. But, to really understand it at a deeper level, we've got to take a look at the concept of self. The "self" most people are referring to is actually their character, or conditioned self. This is the self that we've been honing and conditioning through our experience of life. One of my favorite coaches Steve Chandler calls it "The Story of You" because it's the us that has been made up throughout our lives. For instance when somebody asks us what our story is, we will often respond by referencing our past and current activities and circumstances. According to the book, A Course In Miracles this is the ego mind, which is a thought system completely born of fear and insecurity.
To understand the ego better, imagine you are stuck in a dream and everybody in the dream including you has forgotten who they really are. In this dream, each person has been conditioned to believe 100% that they are all worthless pieces of crap. And because nobody wants to present their crap to the rest of the world, everyone has fashioned masks to wear to hide the crap. Some are very elaborate and decorated with gold and jewels. Some are very bright and vibrant. Others are very simple. There are even some scary masks. The masks are built with anything that we are told will bolster our status and hide the crap more effectively such as sex, drugs, money, fame, and power. Of course if everyone knew the truth about who they really were, the masks would be completely useless.
Attempting to "work on" your self-esteem or "build" confidence is akin to creating a flashier, prettier mask to present to the world. The problem is, it's all a facade, because most people, underneath it all, still feel like worthless pieces of crap. Plus, people always seem to know when we are putting on a show anyway. The conditioned self will always desire to create more and more elaborate masks, but the problem is, it will never be enough. That's how the ego works, it seeks but never finds. It's a vicious cycle that some people engage with their whole lives. The character of you is simply not worth spending the time to build up because it will never be satisfied.
Here's the secret to it all... all we have to "do" is wake up and remember who we really are. The reason you can't technique or think yourself into having higher self-esteem is because you can't find what was never lost in the first place. Who you really are, your very essence is love, joy and peace. We've simply forgotten, that's all. We're all walking around in a dream, believing we are worthless. It's a myth. We are divine beings. Ramtha calls us the forgotten Gods for a reason. We've all got amnesia to the truth of our essence. This higher Self needs no esteem because it's very nature is already that which we are seeking.
I don't have a technique for you to take the mask off, or wipe away the crap, but what I can tell you is the more you look in the direction of your own divinity, the more you will see it. It will be like returning home after a long journey, or waking up from a terrible nightmare. As you begin to show up from your true self more and more of the time, you will find yourself automatically having a more wonderful life.
When you show up as your essence and then add in the practice and skill building, you will begin to create inner and outer success like never before.
Even if you get caught up in the dream from time to time, or you forget who you are and start polishing your mask some more, you can always rest a little easier knowing that your true Self will always shine through eventually.
I'll send you off this week with one of my favorite quotes from Dr. Robert Holden, "Who you think you are can't handle the challenge you are facing, but who you really are already has."
Until Next Week, Love and Light,
Coach Ty
P.S. if you are interested in signing up for my upcoming webinar on creating work you love, send me an email at CoachTylerThurman@gmail.com or call my office at 503-389-3778.
