It's Never Personal

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.  Whoever looks outside only dreams, whoever looks inside also awakens.”

            -Carl Jung

Earlier this week I was on a walk with a friend.  It was an absolutely beautiful spring day.  Toward the end of the walk, she mentioned an interaction that she had just had with a friend that she said was really hard to not take personal. My rapid fire coaching response was,  "Nothing is ever personal."

My friend however had some resistance to the idea, so I decided to take a closer look at it.

This got my curiosity going and caused me to really take a deeper look at the personal nature of life.  After some contemplation, I revised my previous statement from Nothing is ever personal, to Nothing is ever inherently personal.  In other words there aren't some situations that are automatically personal and others that are not.  A situation simply is what it is until we impose our story telling onto it.  That's when it begins to hurt.

The shift from fact to personal story looks like this:  A person speaking at a high volume turns into "MY husband yelled at ME!"  A person's heart stopping becomes "How could you die and leave ME here all alone?" That woman went out on a date with that man, changes into "My ex is dating him to spite me, I just know it."  And finally a decreased dollar amount in your bank account turns into "That lying bastard cheated ME out of MY money!" 

Can you begin to see how it doesn't hurt, until we make something up about the facts.  I'm not saying that the experience of something being personal doesn't exist, I'm just saying you always have a choice in the matter, even if it doesn't always feel like it.  

The experience of taking something personal shows up probably most frequently in human relationships, however anything can be made personal. We can take anything personal from the health of our bodies to the daily weather.  But nothing is personal until we go up into our heads and create a personal story around the circumstances of our lives.

When I talk with people about the choice between personal and impersonal, one of the more common questions I get is some variation of "Wouldn't it be terrible to live a life where nothing was personal?" as if seeing things as not about you will lead to a sort of bored, neutral, lifeless state.  Often times what people are doing here is confusing their experience of taking something personal with the experience of connection.  They are worried that giving up personal attachment means giving up connection to others and the world. That however, is not my experience.  You can have an incredible connection with another human being, without making up that it has anything to do with you or your self-worth.  In fact, when you are not caught up in the story telling in your head, there is actually more space to really connect with the people around you.  There just seems to be a natural state of connection that flows from a clear and present mind. 

Now that we've begun to make a case for not taking life quite so personally, then the question becomes how do we do it?

As with so many things in life, the first step is just beginning to notice.  Do whatever you need to do to draw your attention to the idea that seeing things as personal, is just that, a way of seeing, and you can always see it another way.  Use post it notes, put up posters, e-mail reminders, read books, write on your white board, get a ring tone that reminds you... do whatever it takes to notice more and more!

One of my favorite questions around this is "If this had absolutely nothing to do with me, what would that make possible?"  

Once you notice, then you can actually make the choice to see it differently and the more you make the choice, the more automatic it will become.  

In addition to noticing, let me share with you one of my favorite metaphors that helps me see the impersonal nature of human behavior.  This metaphor is adapted from a radio interview with Dr. Greg Baer from a couple years ago on Real Love.  I highly recommend you check out his work at http://www.reallove.com/.  

Imagine you are vacationing on a beautiful exotic island.  You are laying on a lounge chair by the pool and you   are just getting into a book by your favorite author that you've been waiting to read for weeks.  It's a beautiful day and you are really relaxing into the moment.  Suddenly you notice some light splashing coming from the pool.  You can't really see him, but a kid is splashing your feet a little.  You start to think, it's alright, it's only a little bit of water.  Then the splashing increases so that it gets onto your legs and your towel and you start to get pretty frustrated.  You might think, 'how dare this kid, doesn't he know I'm trying to relax.  But i don't want to get involved, I'll just ignore it'.  Finally the splashing gets to be so intense that you get completely soaked including your book, and you think how dare he. You've had it, so you get up to tell this kid off and right away you see that this kid is not playing, he is drowning.  

My first question is always, where does the resentment and the anger go when you discover he is drowning???   It disappears instantly!  Not only does it disappear, you most likely will jump into action to do whatever you know to do to help this kid.  Also if you know anything about somebody who is drowning, you know that they will do whatever they can to stay above the water.  They'll splash like crazy, they will grab anything and anyone next to them in an attempt to stay above the water.  In other words, none of it is personal. If there is something to grab they'll grab it and push down, even if it's a close friend or family member.  If they have to splash to stay above water, they're not going to sit and debate between drowning and splashing this nice lady's chair.  They're going to splash like crazy, and you would too.

Now think about the people in your life that act in mean ways and say unkind things that you tend to take personally. What if the only reason anyone ever behaves in a way that is unloving or unkind is because they are emotionally drowning inside?  What if those words and actions of others had everything to do with their internal environment, and nothing to do with you.

On the flip side what if the only reason you ever behave in a way that is less than caring, is because you are caught up in your own pain and insecure thinking?  Think about it, if you are really brutally honest with yourself, have you ever said something mean or done something cruel all the while coming from a place of peace and well-being inside?  I would guess not.  My guess would be that you were afraid, or angry, or sad, or insecure in that moment.  It wasn't about the other person, it's just that you were drowning inside and they were the closest ones for you to yell at or grab onto.

What if the words and actions of others changed from a reason to be upset, into a call for more love and curiosity.  You might begin to ask yourself questions like, "I wonder what is going on inside that person that would have them behave this way?" And then when you find yourself acting or speaking in ways that are less than loving, you might ask yourself "I wonder what I'm afraid of or sad about that would have me behave in this way?"

Before you know it, you might just find yourself thinking less, and connecting more. You might begin looking inside for guidance instead of reasons and excuses.  And you might begin to notice that love is what's left, when you let go of the personal story of you.

Love and Light,
Tyler