Clean Requests

"You can have anything you want in life if you are willing to ask 1,000 people for it"

 -Byron Katie

When it comes to having what we want in life, the most powerful tool we possess is the ability to ask for it.  It never ceases to amaze me how often we are only a couple clean requests away from having what we want. Whether it is asking for a raise, asking a client to hire you, or asking your partner to mary you, you are much more likely to actually get the results you want if you ask for them.  Equally amazing, is how unwilling we are to actually make those requests. Let's look at this a little closer.

The best book I've ever read on the power of asking is The Aladdin Factor by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen.  In this coaching article, I'm going to be introducing some of the key factors outlined in this book.  If you'd like to explore these ideas further, I highly recommend you read the book.

The first question worth asking is, why are we so unwilling to make requests for what we want?  The Aladdin Factor, highlights five primary reasons people don't make requests:

1. Ignorance: We don't ask because we don't know what to ask for, we don't know what's possible, we don't know what we really want, and we don't know how to ask.
2. Limiting and Inaccurate Beliefs: We don't ask because we don't believe it will do any good, because we believe we shouldn't have to, and because we believe we will be taking advantage of somebody else.
3. Fear: We don't ask because we are afraid of rejection, what others will think, what others will do, and what others will say.  We're afraid of what asking will mean about us: we're stupid, we're weak, we're helpless, and we're a bad person.
4. Low Self-Esteem:  A lot of people in the world, in their heart of hearts, don't think much of themselves.  In turn, they don't believe their needs and wants are important or relevant so they don't ask for those things.  If you feel worthless, you're not likely to ask for what you want because. 
5. Pride:  This probably shows up more frequently for us guys, but we've all avoided asking for help or assistance because we don't want to appear a certain way to others.

This is a pretty compelling case for not asking.  However, there is an even more compelling case for asking.  The odds of you actually creating what you want in your life goes through the roof.  

Here are some of the benefits of asking that Canfield and Hansen discuss in the book.

1. You Can Literally Ask For Anything: "You can ask for a hug, comfort, listening, forgiveness, attention, time, intimacy, caring, respect, love, nurturing, a massage, healing energy, prayers, an explanation, loyalty, sexual fidelity and a 100 percent commitment..." To name only a few.
2. You Will Take Control of your Life:  When you begin to ask for your needs and wants, you are moving from being a victim of life to a creator of your life experience.
3. You Will Have Better Business and Personal Relationships: We rarely get what we want in relationships when we don't actually ask for them, because believe it or not, people can't actually read our minds.
4. You Will Have and Give More Love:  It can be difficult to ask for more affection, more kindness, and more love because of the fear of rejection; but, love is worth it!
5. You Can Enrich Your Lifestyle: You can ask for things like an upgrade to a first class flight, or a better hotel room.  You can also ask for people to hire you and for more money for your services.  You never know, you might just get it.
6. You Will Maximize Your Talents and Skills:  Often times opportunities are created only when we ask for them.  So if you want to really get the most out of your gifts in life, ask, ask, ask.

This article is called Clean Requests because often times when people think they are making a request it is actually a demand or a threat in disguise.  It isn't clean.  For example, if you ask your partner to do the dishes, check if there is an unspoken "or else..." hidden at the end.  Much of the resistance that people have to being asked for something is that they feel pressured or pushed, and remember, when we are pushed, we push back.  So the next time you are wanting to make a request, first ask yourself if you are making it okay for them to say no.  A clean request means you are simply asking for what you want, neither a 'yes' or a 'no' means anything about you or the other person, and nothing about the relationship is at stake. If you want to be a master of asking, practice clean requests. 

Next, let's take a look at why we might get a 'no' to our clean request, and what that means.  There are essentially three different reasons that you will get a no, and this comes straight from another one of my favorite books, SuperCoach, by Michael Neill:

1. Other people's fear that you will make them hear something they don't want to hear or do something they don't want to do.
2. A lack of understanding about how what you're asking will be of benefit to them, either directly or indirectly.
3. A genuine awareness on their part that they don't want to be, do, or have what you are requesting

The beauty of all three of these is that none of them are personal.  If people are afraid, that's to do with their own thoughts and fears.  If people don't understand, than that's to do with their own lack of understanding, which you can address or not.  And if it's a genuine no, than it's nothing to do with you, it's simply them being aware of their own inner wanting and trusting that.   One of the most important realizations I've ever had, is that a 'no', is never personal. Receiving a no does not mean that you are somehow unworthy or have no value as a human being.  The reality is a 'no', is just a 'no', and doesn't mean anything about you unless you make up that it does. Your willingness to receive a 'no', will increase your willingness to ask.

Alright, so far we've explored why we don't ask, why it's worth asking, and why we might get a 'no' response and what that means. The last piece of the puzzle is looking at how to ask so that you maximize your chances of a yes.  I'm going to take this straight from The Aladdin Factor because I love how the authors put it:

1. Ask as if you expect to get it
2. Ask someone who can actually give it to you
3. Be clear and specific in your requests
4. Ask with humor and creativity
5. Ask from the heart
6. Be prepared to give something in order to get something
7. Ask repeatedly
8. Be gracious in accepting a 'no'

There is a lot of breadth vs. depth in this weeks article, so if you want more information, do check out the two books highlighted in this article.  This will get you started though; so get out there and start practicing your clean requests today.  You might just be surprised at how often people say yes.

Love and Light,

Coach Ty